gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
