You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
