It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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