It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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