come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
