He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
