I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
