Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
