we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
