Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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