Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Even my vagina gasped.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
