I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
