smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
