It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize