I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
