i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
