I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
tell me about the eggs
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