Can i not drive my cunt home
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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