Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
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