I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize