My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
