I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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