There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
