i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
