He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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