Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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