Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize