i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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