Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The uberlube is also flammable
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
