My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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