just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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