It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
