if you like me you must not know who I am
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
