U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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