I wanna bring you to show and tell
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
