I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
