We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
