I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
