My first STD was from a foam party
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
