I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
