he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
