If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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