I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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