I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can't turn off my feet"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
