I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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