you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
