My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
