you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize