no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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