I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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