I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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