Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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