I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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