I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
