Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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