You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
