I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
