i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
