i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
