Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
