i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize