Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
