The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
