I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
