i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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