Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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