so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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