Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
