My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
