The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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